apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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