Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
