I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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