Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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