I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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