life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
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