I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
