You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
