Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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