I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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