Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
