Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
