you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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