Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
