It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
