booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
