yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
