Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
