I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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