I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
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They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
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Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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