You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
you had me at cake vodka
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight