She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
how does that bad decision feel?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
