We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
