I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
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The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
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My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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