I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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