it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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