just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
