Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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