How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
