I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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