half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
