On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
