You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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