When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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