I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Randomize
