I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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