I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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