my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
