Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
