She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
