I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
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But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
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Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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