dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
