So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
