I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
