I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
