Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
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I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
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it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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