so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
