The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
