what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
