On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
