just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
