I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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