If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
