i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
