you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Sext me about skeletons
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
