Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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