As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
