I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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