It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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