there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
