They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Operation Purity has been aborted
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
