There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
