I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
