Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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